On being laid aside

A few years ago, I resolved that I would never make any new years resolutions. A resolution which I realise I immediately broke simply by making said resolution in the new year.  

I have an ambivalent relationship with the near year. It might be related to the time of year; in some ways I prefer the Methodist/Academic New Year in September. Perhaps I’m a little more inclined to start something new when its warm and sunny. When it is cold and dark, I prefer to hibernate a little.

I feel I can learn something from Tiffany who seeks out the warmest and most comfortable places in the house and this afternoon would not even move for the Hoover, (she normally runs).

This year I have realised, that for the first time in years, I will not take part in a Methodist covenant service, the church I am currently at as a student is having theirs on the weekend I will be at college.

I know that many people avoid the covenant service it is not an easy or comfortable prayer if you are not familiar with the words, here they are:

I am no longer my own but yours.

Put me to what you will,

rank me with whom you will;

put me to doing,

put me to suffering;

let me be employed for you,

or laid aside for you,

exalted for you,

or brought low for you;

let me be full,

let me be empty,

let me have all things,

let me have nothing:

I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things

to your pleasure and disposal.

And now, glorious and blessed God,

Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

you are mine and I am yours. So be it.

And the covenant now made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven.'

Amen

While I am not participating in a service this year, some aspects of this prayer have taken on a very different meaning. As part of preparing for training, I had to give up all of my roles and responsibilities. Ironically while training for full-time ministry, I am currently preaching less than I have been accustomed to, I have also played the piano and led worship less than I am used to doing. My link church does not need any of the things that are in my comfort zone in terms of church engagement, it feels weird, but at the same time I am also getting to know and speak to more people than I normally would on a Sunday, there is no option of hiding behind the piano. I’m not sure who should be more scared, them or me!

Like many people, the thought of being “laid aside” of not being needed is a little scary, for a start my ego doesn’t like it. But the truth is that the world isn’t going to end because I don’t play the piano, or lead a service, it won’t end because I’m not involved with leading the repair café anymore. In fact, it is doing even better and making much better use of the passions and talents of the volunteers.

In one of my first blogs, I wrote that “I am trying not to be defined by what I do” (or something very much like it) and I am being surprised (mainly pleasantly) by the person I am meeting when not distracted by all the business. Sometimes being laid aside is a good thing, for me, it is letting me get to grips with who I am, as I try and figure out my somewhat weird brain and the jumble of thoughts and emotions that go along with it.

Above all, there is something amazing in discovering that I may not be needed but I am wanted. How cool is that?