Walking on Water (Badly)

This morning I find myself unemployed for the first time in years. It wasn’t my choice, and yet in some ways it was.

The charity I have been working for has changed its strategy and created new job roles which I was told I was not qualified for. I could apply for the role, but I did not meet the essential criteria, despite the fact that much of the day-to-day work remains the same. My union representative advised me that I likely had a case for unfair dismissal, but that pursuing it would probably take two or three years. It wouldn’t help me with living for the next eighteen months, and it certainly wouldn’t be good for my mental health.

In some ways the decision not to fight this has been difficult. The annoyingly strong sense of justice that seems to come as standard with most forms of neurodiversity has been screaming at me almost non-stop for the last couple of months. Almost every instinct I have is calling out to challenge what has happened, not just for myself but to make sure something like this does not happen again. But I am also aware of the toll doing that would take on my health and on my studies. At the same time, I’ve had the bridge from the worship song Oceans stuck on loop in my head.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour”

Deliberately stepping into this place is stressful and requires a huge amount of trust. I’ve had long periods of unemployment in the past and find job applications highly traumatic, something that is probably amplified by rejection sensitivity, which is a significant part of ADHD.

In this case trusting God does not mean simply sitting back and waiting for God to fix everything. That’s not how faith works. Faith has to be active. So I will be applying for jobs, and hopefully attending interviews. While I have the time, I am also going to focus properly on my studies. I’ve had to get extensions for several essays while all of this has been going on.

I am also considering whether I can take the experience, education, and resources I have been developing and do some freelance work. I believe that churches need theology around disability, sexuality, and other forms of marginalisation to be made accessible so that it can have a real impact on people’s lives and on our witness as Christians. I’ve seen first-hand how transformative it can be when disability is understood in light of a nuanced reading of scripture, particularly around disability and healing. For people who have spent their lives being told that they are broken and need to be fixed, that kind of theological reflection can be deeply liberating.

I am going to learn from this experience. In the future, as a presbyter, I will likely find myself employing lay workers and possibly even having to make someone redundant. This experience will always remind me what that process feels like for the person losing their job. I want to make sure that when I find myself in that position, the process is just, and that people are treated with dignity and compassion throughout.

I suspect I am going to swing backwards and forwards emotionally for a while. Today is a good day. I am at peace with my decision and feel able to step forward in faith and trust in God. Tomorrow may not feel the same. Like Peter, I may take a few steps and then start to sink. But that’s okay, because I am fairly certain that when that happens, and it will,  I will find the hand of my creator reaching out to steady me.

Prayers would be very much appreciated.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2PNTq_-mZs