One of the hardest things for someone with ADHD to hear is when, in response to sharing something that’s especially difficult due to ADHD, someone replies: “Of course, everyone experiences that.” This response is unfortunately often meant well, but is dismissive of the lived experiences of people with ADHD. It’s deeply shaming— because the person with ADHD then thinks: “if everyone experiences this, then I must be really failing if I struggle so much. Maybe I just need to try harder.”
The thing is, it’s likely true: everyone does experience those issues, once in a while. The difference for person with ADHD lies in how often it occurs and how much effort it takes to overcome.
I recently experienced this.
We were talking about pastoral care. As part of the discussion, I shared some challenges which people with ADHD face, specifically regarding listening.
Now, I know what good listening is “supposed” to look like: you maintain eye contact, ask questions to draw out details, and avoid fidgeting. This is what most people expect when someone is listening to them.
However, this is what “listening” looks like for me as a person with ADHD.
I might close my eyes or look elsewhere in the room. If I try to maintain eye contact, I may completely forget to actually listen because this is what’s probably running through my head:
· Which eye should I look at? Left or right?
· Am I staring?
· Should I smile?
· Should I nod?
· They’ve stopped speaking—should I say something?
I’m also likely to fidget. If I’m playing with my wedding ring or messing with my watch, it’s because doing so helps me focus on what you’re saying.
Then there’s asking questions. A strong tendency for people with ADHD is to show we’re listening and engaging by sharing a similar story of our own. This often comes across as inappropriate to neurotypical people, who might assume we’re trying to hijack the conversation. We’re not. This is just how we show we’ve understood what you’re saying.
Neurotypical people do this to, but it often comes from a place of trying to fill an uncomfortable gap in the conversation, it is the same action, but coming from a different place, and serving a different purpose.
Everyone does experience these thoughts, feelings and moments to some degree—but not every day, in almost every conversation. If you do, it might be worth considering an ADHD assessment.
In some ways, the last point (sharing stories) is the easiest to manage—but it’s still not easy. With effort, I can stop myself from sharing my own story, but managing eye contact and fidgeting is a different challenge entirely. Depending on the day, I might be able to act “normal” for a short period of time, but doing so will drain my energy and impact me later in the day.
The hardest part of hearing a comment like “everyone experiences that” is the frequency of such comments and the way many people react when challenged about this kind of (usually unintended) micro-aggression. Many people jump to justifying their response. That’s natural when you are surprised, and you did not intend to upset someone. But this response minimizes the struggles faced by neurodivergent people.
On this occasion in a discussion about pastoral care, hearing a micro-aggression was especially frustrating as this conversation took place when we had recently been discussing liberation theology and the importance of listening to the voices of those with lived experiences. It felt like my lived experience didn’t count because it did not make sense to the neurotypical person.
So how could someone respond in a way that is inclusive and supportive? My main suggestion is, first of all, don't try and justify what you have said. Yes, everyone likely has had experiences a bit like it, but not on a daily basis and not to the extent that it becomes debilitating.
Next, thank them for sharing. It likely took a huge amount of courage to do so, and they will almost certainly have a lot of shame attached to struggling with something that others don't seem to have an issue with.
Finally, try and bear mind what you have learned for the future, even if it is unintentional, this sort of comment is a micro-aggression, so is hurtful for the person who is neurodivergent. Anyone can make a mistake, but it is important to take it as an opportunity to learn.
I do not normally pick out individual Bible verses, however, this felt relevant.
Proverbs 12:18:
"The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."
Micro-aggressions, though often unintended, can wound deeply. Yet when someone who is confronted over a micro-aggression responds defensively and tries to justify their initial response; this serves to increase the sense of shame and failure on the part of the person with ADHD.
When challenged over a micro-aggression, responding with wisdom and grace can be affirming and life changing. For me, this is best modelled by Jesus in his encounter with the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15. When challenged over the scope of his mission on earth, Jesus’ positive response to the woman’s argument can be viewed as a model of humility and openness. He did not dismiss her argument or experience, but instead responded with grace and compassion. If we are serious about making the church a safe space for those who are neurodivergent, or who experience any other form of marginalisation, then we need to take their lived experience seriously.
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