Distracting Thoughts

This morning was quite hard, as is often the case I was playing the piano for worship. Now this is one area that my ADHD normally doesn't cause problems with. However, this morning I was all over the place. Miscounting verses, and at one point getting so distracted by a point from the sermon, that I could not focus on the music in front of me.

Hyper focus is a very real thing, and it is difficult to control, where I often have a dozen thoughts tumbling around in my head, this morning I could only focus on one.

This morning's reading was Philips encounter with the Ethiopian eunuch (Acts 8:26-40). The point was made that this man was on his way to the temple to worship and was indeed studying the scroll of Isaiah, yet on arrival at the temple he would be unable to participate in worship because he was counted as imperfect.

This led me to wonder, who do we exclude from worship because we judge them to be imperfect? Because they physically cannot access the building, or maybe like me this morning, find it impossible to focus. Maybe there presence is a distraction to others or they are not seen as being solemn or reverent enough.

This next thought may be more controversial.

I also found myself questioning whether the eunuch was disabled. Medically, this is something that was done to him, and which physiologically altered his body. However, the main issues he encountered were due to societal attitudes as to what roles he could fulfill and the associated perception that as a man he was incomplete. In some ways the most obvious parallel today would be with the trans community, people who are, like the eunuch, often outcast from society and in this case who often choose to undergo physiological changes. Medically this is not a disability, but socially it seems to lead to marginalisation and exclusion.

All of this in a somewhat meandering fashion, led me to think about what it means to be seen as outcast or other, and what does God actually have to say about this? I was drawn to Isaiah 56: 1-8, in which God speaks of gathering those who are outcasts to the outcasts of Israel. In modern society, people are considered outcasts for many reasons, whether that be disability, sexuality, race or poverty. Surely the church should be a place of welcome and acceptance for all, and not simply those who "fit". In a church that truly believes that all are saved by grace and grace alone, surely all should be welcome.

Sadly we don't always get it right, and this morning I was very aware, that as the pianist who is supposed to enable other people to worship, I was in someways a bit of a distraction. There were certainly a few exasperated looks, particularly when I stopped, explained what was going on before starting again from the beginning of the verse.

If this was the end of the story it might be a somewhat negative way to finish. However, it is not quite the end. At the end of the service, a young mother came over, I've seen here a few times before, but have never talked. She shared about her partner and her daughter who both have ADHD and how hard that sometimes is, particularly in church. But hearing me share about my difficulties this morning had helped her to fell more welcome and at ease. My difficulties this morning and my openness about them, created space for a conversation that I might not otherwise have had.

We had begun the service by singing Let us build a house where love can dwell, which has a chorus I often find problematic. I find it difficult to sing "all are welcome in this place" when it is clear that this is not always the case. I look forward to being able to sing it knowing that all truly are welcome, until then it will serve as an aspirational prayer.

And so ends a stream of slightly random thoughts.