Executive what?

Warning computer analogies ahead!

How on earth do you explain executive dysfunction, especially when it appears to be so random. For the last week I have been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. on average it has taken an hour to get out of bed and into the shower, let alone dressed and out the door to work.

For a few days this was made even harder because our shower broke, so I had even more steps to think about. Explaining this to someone without executive dysfunction is almost impossible. This might be because the best explanation I can come up with is that my brain is stuck in a boot loop.

For those who aren't familiar with the term, this is what happens when your computer or phone is unable to complete its usual startup process and just keeps restarting. If this happens with my computer I know what steps to take to fix it. However, when it is my own brain, I'm aware that there is an issue but don't have the processing capability to deal with it.

Eventually somethings happens to actually let me get up and started, normally the panic of realizing that I now have 20 minutes to shower, dress and catch the train. When this happens it often means getting a taxi or simply being a little late. Setting my alarm earlier, or even having multiple alarms doesn't help. And of course just for fun I sometimes, like this morning, get up bounce out of bed and am out the door and even end up being a little early for the train (so of course the train was late).

It is not consistent or even predictable. Some morning I make it to work, check some emails and never really manage to get anything done, it feels like I spend 6-7 hours staring at a screen or book without taking anything in or achieving anything. Other days I get through everything on my to do list and more.

The thing is even when I'm sitting (or lying) there apparently frozen, I'm pretty certain my brain is busy, because often when I come out of it, I find myself with ideas that have seemingly come from nowhere or a thought from a few days ago, that I'd not consciously been aware of, suddenly crystallizes. So maybe its more like having more tabs open that my brain can handle and because I can't prioritize the tasks everything gets stuck for a while.

If it was my computer I'd just go and buy some more RAM or maybe upgrade the processor. However, I don't think that is an option for my brain. I'm going to have to learn how to actually close some tabs and maybe do a bit of a reboot from time to time. It is sometimes stressful and sometimes causes problems, ... but sometimes, the somewhat random computer that is my brain, comes up with something really amazing.