Overwhelmed yes ... But also oddly peaceful

I suddenly realised that it has been a while since I shared anything here. Life has been intense lately. At the moment, I have at least five blog posts essentially ready to go. However, in every case, I am also writing an essay on that topic as part of my studies for ministry. If I post a blog before I submit the essay, then I'll have to make sure it is included in my references, as it would get picked up by Turnitin as potential plagiarism, so it's probably best that I leave them for now.

Between work, studies, starting my placement, and of course, family and health, I have been flirting with overwhelm and trying to push through, hoping it will get better. Deadlines have slipped. I'm 100% relying on adrenaline to finish anything. Most mornings it is a real struggle to get out of bed as I have no energy ... The provision of taxis to work through Access to Work is a Godsend. So, watching the news about proposed changes to disability benefits adds a new stress level. Trying to write a theological response for work is next to impossible, as it is so personal.

The thing is, as I'm dealing with all of this, I am also becoming more and more sure of my calling to ordained ministry. While I have struggled with getting up and out, this has not affected getting to my placement, even when that involved an early morning in order to catch the train for an ecumenical coffee morning ... With "church coffee". The same has been true on Sunday mornings when I am having to get up significantly earlier than I do most weekdays to arrive on time, or even a little bit early. I found myself looking forward to conversations over tea after the service. I've always hung around to chat with people, and it never feels onerous, even if I am still struggling to remember people's names.

There is still a bit of me questioning my sanity, but a much larger part is really beginning to embrace the fact that while it is hard work, while there are issues with learning and formation which I am struggling with, it just feels right. Every time I get up to preach, I am terrified, but I would be far more worried if I wasn't.