I don't know why, but suddenly I'm exhausted. I'm never good at getting up in the morning, but for the last couple of weeks simply getting out of bed seems to take almost all my energy. Of course it doesn't help that last night I had the hypo to end all hypos, and when I woke up (eventually) felt like I had run a marathon.
(For reference, I have never actually run a marathon and do not intend to. I've never passed or been passed by anyone jogging who actually looks like they are enjoying themselves. Although I understand that some people do actually get dopamine from this activity.)
Today has been rather beautiful and I really wanted to go outside and enjoy the autumn sun, but I simply didn't have the energy to go anywhere. So instead, I've spent the afternoon sitting on my laptop (well actually on the sofa) with a cup of tea, writing. There are probably loads of other things I could/should have done, but instead I'm inflicting my brain on you.
We did manage a bit of a walk at the weekend, along the canal at Hebden bridge and back along a footpath through the woods.
Although, when I say along a footpath that is not entirely accurate. According to the OS Map there was a footpath that we started following, however it was not long before it vanished and we found ourselves scrambling along a steep bank hoping we would find the trail again, or at the very least that we would not end up slipping into the canal. There is nothing quite like almost slipping into the Leeds Liverpool canal, catching yourself on a root and then thinking, that light is gorgeous, I'd better take a photo.
Eventually, after crossing a stream and following the railway line for about a mile, we managed to find a new path and get across the railway and the canal. It was exhausting and a little nerve wracking, especially when we started to loose the light. We should probably have turned back and climbed to find the path, it might have been more sensible, although, if we had, we would probably have lost the light and I wouldn't have got that photo.
Sometimes, it is worth pushing through and trying to find the right path to follow (or in our case forging our own way through the woods). But sometimes its also worth simply resting. We did stop several times for a quick rest as we tried to find the path. But not continuing was not an option (at least not a sensible one). Today there is a little bit of my brain, (well quite a big bit) that is shouting at me to get up, stop being so lazy and do something. But I know that if I do that now I'll just find myself in a similar place tomorrow.
I know that beating myself up for being lazy is a definite ADHD trait. Although not one I am used to experiencing, I am normally quite alright with simply curling up with a book and a cup of tea and just going with the flow. I once had a manager tell me that "[I'm] so laid back [I'm] almost horizontal" I deliberately took it as a compliment, even though I know it was not meant as one.
I am beginning to learn that, while there are times when I simply need to push on, there are others when I need to remember that resting is not laziness. Both are a form of self care, the trick lies in discerning whether I best care for myself and others by pushing on or by resting. Sadly it is not always as obvious as this weekend has been.
One of my favourite pieces of worship music is Kristene DiMarco's "It is well" which really seems to suit my mood today ... "through it all my eyes are on you and it is well with me." which is very similar to a quote attributed to Julian of Norwich, (an anchoress in 14th Century Norwich)
“All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.”
So I'm going back to my book (and a fresh cup of tea), more or less confident that "all shall be well".
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